Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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