using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
