Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
