I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
