It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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