Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize