Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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