you traded sex for a burrito?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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