I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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