I looked at my own cervix.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize