I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
