Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
