can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
