And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
