the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
where does the pee come out of this thing
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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