Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
