I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
