I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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