my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
