24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
