My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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