DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
