I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize