I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
