He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
