There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
