I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
