He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
