drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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