I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
