Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
