Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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