You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
