I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
