it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize