I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize