i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
