You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
