Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
