the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
