Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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