May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
