You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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