nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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