I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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