i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He kissed a someone with a penis
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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