gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you had me at cake vodka
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
