i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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