I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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