def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
