Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
