I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize