he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
