sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
