I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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