My friends, they love my intelligence
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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