Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
