I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
