The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
