the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
