I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
