I'm going to jail i love you
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
